


The Fantastic Adventures of the Phoenix

by MiraMira



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Marvel
Genre: Gen, Humor, Innuendo, Melodrama, One Shot, Parody, Radio, Screenplay/Script Format, Superheroes, Wordcount: 100-500
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-17
Updated: 2012-07-17
Packaged: 2017-11-10 03:30:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/461734
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MiraMira/pseuds/MiraMira
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>While gathering breakfast from his parents’ chicken coop one morning, mild-mannered youth John Gray accidentally plucked and cooked a phoenix egg.  The dish imbued him with strange and wondrous abilities, which he uses to strike at the heart of crime and evil.  These are...the Fantastic Adventures of the Phoenix!</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Fantastic Adventures of the Phoenix

**Author's Note:**

> Written for a Hogwarts_Elite contest, and with all due apologies to Marvel Comics.

_INT — WWN STUDIO. Intro music plays: spirited, with heavy emphasis on trumpet and drums._

  
**MALE ANNOUNCER** _(booming, dramatic voice)_  
While gathering breakfast from his parents’ chicken coop one morning, John Gray accidentally plucked and cooked a phoenix egg. The dish imbued the mild-mannered youth with strange and wondrous abilities: unaided flight, mastery over fire, healing tears, and invulnerability to even the deadliest injuries. Knowing that with great power comes great responsibility, John bid his family farewell and set off for London to strike directly at the heart of crime and evil. He is… the Phoenix!

_Music swells to a crescendo, then turns suspenseful._

**ANNOUNCER**  
We last left our hero racing to save beautiful seer Summer Scott from the clutches of the grasping Professor Squid, who even now holds her captive in his underwater lair.

**PROFESSOR SQUID**  
So, Miss Scott? Have you reconsidered my proposal? Or must I consign you instead to the Thames’s tender mercies?

**SUMMER**  
It’s no use, Squid. The Phoenix is on his way to rescue me. I’ve seen him with my Inner Eye.

**PROFESSOR SQUID**  
Indeed? Let him try. I’m afraid your precious Phoenix will find himself quite—heh, heh—out of his element.

**SUMMER**  
Ugh. Your puns are as charming as your sardine breath.

_Dramatic musical flourish, followed by the sound of shattering glass and heavy, crashing objects._

**PHOENIX**  
Your vile plans end here, Professor! Tentacles up before I turn you into fried calamari!

**SUMMER**  
Phoenix! I knew you’d come!

**PROFESSOR SQUID**  
Oh, sure, it’s fine when  he makes puns. _(beat)_ Well, mock while still you can. For much like the colleagues who laughed at me after my Transfiguration accident, you and your sense of humor will soon be all— washed up!

_Sound of a large, metal wheel being wrenched, then rushing water._

**PROFESSOR SQUID**  
Goodbye, my dear. A pity you would rather sleep with the fishes than me, but your loss is a small price to pay for the destruction of my nemesis.

_Sound of something large rapidly swimming away._

**SUMMER**  
He’s escaping! And this room will be flooded in seconds! What do we do?

**PHOENIX**  
Never fear, darling. I’ll simply use my force to—

_Dialogue abruptly cuts off as the studio door opens._

**ANNOUNCER** _(normal voice)_  
What do you think you’re doing? We’re in the middle of a broadcast!

**LAWYER**  
Not any more. I’m from Marvel Comics, and this is an official cease-and-desist notification.

**ANNOUNCER**  
Let me see that.

_Rustling paper, followed by a long silence._

**ANNOUNCER** _(subdued, with a nervous laugh)_  
Er…looks like that’s all the time we have for the adventures of the Phoenix today. _(regaining confidence)_ But stay tuned!  Wonder Witch is coming up next!

_Pounding on door._

**LAWYER #2** _(outside)_  
This is DC Comics! Open up!

**ANNOUNCER**  
Oh, for the love of…we’ll be back after a word from our sponsors, folks.

_Pounding intensifies._

**ANNOUNCER**  
No promises when.

_FADE OUT on exit music._


End file.
